Panic
by AnxiousRobot
Summary: Elsa's powers are revealed but she doesn't make it out of the castle. The childhood nightmares are closing in and the duke's men are right behind her.
1. Chapter 1

She had to get out, had to get away. They knew, they had _seen_. She knew what came next – they would pounce. They would leap upon her, bury her, trap her.

The door! A way out! But there were voices behind it – more people, people filling the courtyard – no way to escape.

The footsteps pounded on the floors, rounded the corner. "There she is!" Men. The duke. His guards. Trapped, no way out. She ran.

The stairs were in front of her, she took them two at a time, desperately sucking in air in gasps. The footsteps were growing louder. They would catch her. Grab her, pin her to the ground, bring her in front of a snarling, clawing crowd. She had to get out. She couldn't get out.

There! Her door. Her room. Safe spot. Safe location, safe room, safe hideaway. Hers. Untouchable, unbreachable. She threw herself into it, slammed the door behind her. Had to reinforce it, couldn't let them get her. She threw her full weight against her desk repeatedly as it scraped unwillingly across the floor until it was across the door. Not enough.

Too late.

The footsteps had slowed, softened as they approached the door.

She gasped for air, unable to get enough, unable to catch her breath, the terror overwhelming. She was going to die, she was going to die, she was going to die. She lost her balance suddenly, feeling faint and dizzy. She dropped to the floor, feeling nauseous. Her hands were shaking. They wouldn't stop shaking. She couldn't catch her breath. She was going to die.

The doorknob rattled. She was going to die.

There was a pause.

She sucked air. She had to run, she had to _leave_. But her limbs weren't obeying her: trembling, shaky and limp. She lifted her head, and the nausea increased, the world swimming violently in front of her.

BANG! A weight thrown against the door. The desk shuddered in protest.

She screamed.

There was ice.

She was going to die. There was no way to avoid it. She curled into herself, small as she could, sobbing and gasping and shaking. Control it, control it, control it – she was going to die.

"Elsa! Elsa! What's going on? What's wrong? Please stop!"

Anna was _touching_ her. She mustn't touch. It was dangerous for Anna to touch her. She was going to kill Anna. Anna was going to die. "GOAWAYGOAWAYGOAWAY!" She had to _go_ she couldn't touch her.

Monster.

Clawing, grasping. They had her, on her. They were going to kill her. She had to get away. RUN.

"GET OFF ME!" She clawed out blindly, desperately. She couldn't see. Had to escape. Had to stop them from dragging her to the ground. They would kill her. They were going to kill her.

Her wrists were caught. She couldn't get free. She kicked blindly, screaming and sobbing. "Let me go, please, please, let me _go!_"

Somewhere, off in the distance, there was a voice. "Miss Elsa, you're safe. Miss Elsa, you're okay. Shhhhh…. Everything will be okay. You're alright. Just breathe."

She tried. Her breath shuddering in and out, breaking into quick gasps.

"Better. Try again, Miss Elsa. Nice slow breaths. You're safe. It's okay. Just breathe… nice and slow…"

She managed one… two… The panic began to subside, the edge of adrenaline fading just slightly. She could feel something, warm and solid against her back, her pinned wrists pressing her back into it. The panic started to rise again, but the voice came quietly in her ear, "You're safe, Miss Elsa. Just keeping breathing. Slowly… There you go. You can do it. Just keep breathing. You're safe. It will be okay."

One, two, three, and she broke into panting gasps, struggles through it, another long one… The panic began to ebb away. A creeping edge of exhaustion began to grow. Breathe in…. breathe out… She felt shaky, hollowed out, but she could sense her body now, felt where her elbows were bent into her stomach, her feet on the floor. She swayed with sudden sense of vertigo, but she did not fall.

"Careful, Miss Elsa."

She managed to open her eyes, just realizing they had been pressed tightly shut. She knew that voice. "Kai…?"

"Shhh, Miss Elsa. Just keep breathing. Let yourself get your bearings back."

As she breathed, bent over, staring at her shoes, she began to notice the tiny snowflakes hanging suspended, motionless in the air.

"No, no, no, please no –" She jerked her head up. The wall in front of her was covered in icicles, deadly sharp and spiky, pointed straight at her.

She broke away before Kai could tame her. "Please, Kai. You have to go. It's not safe! _Please_. I don't want to hurt you!" She clutched her hand, her traitorous hand to her chest, trapping it, imprisoning its terrible curse.

"Beg pardon, but it is my job to care for you. Please, will you at least sit on the bed? You need to calm down."

She stared at him in fear, but Kai refused to move, meeting her gaze placidly. "Please, Miss Elsa." Finally, she shuffled sideways to her bed, making the widest radius around Kai that she could manage.

The bed felt almost surreal beneath her. Around her, the whole room was filled with a thick blizzard of unmoving snowflakes. Icicles covered the one wall, spreading into a frost that partially spread onto the adjoining walls, floor, and ceiling. The desk stood cockeyed in the floor near the door, but the door itself was safely closed. The silence was overwhelming, oppressive, but she could not find it in her to break it. Kai continued to stand politely in the middle of her room.

After several long minutes, a false start or two, and even longer pauses, she managed to force the wobbling words past her lips. "Kai, I need to go."

"Go where, m'lady?"

"_Away_," she pleaded. "Please, to protect Arendelle, I have to… It's not _safe_."

"I'm afraid, m'lady, that you cannot just leave. You are the queen."

"Anna can be queen. She would be better at it anyway. She could keep the gates open all the time. They would love her… You can't help but to love her."

"They love you too, m'lady. Everyone in the kingdom has the greatest respect for you."

"They won't, not anymore." Kai did not respond. She backwards onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. She felt exhausted, drained, worn out, hollow… She felt like she didn't know what way was up anymore. Disoriented.

"I could have killed you, Kai," she sighed. A sudden terrible recollection hit her. "Anna! Where is Anna, is she okay, did I hurt her-?"

Kai blocked the door. "Your sister is fine, merely very worried about _you_."

"Kai, I've ruined everything. I can't control this power. I've never been able to. It's not safe for me to be queen."

"M'lady, you have been our queen for the last three years and you have done as splendid a job as any of us could have hoped for. If managing your powers means there are no more balls, I think we can manage that."

"But Anna –" Anna who couldn't live like this anymore, who couldn't stand the isolation, who couldn't understand that Elsa didn't want to be locked up in this castle any more than her but didn't have a _choice_.

"Perhaps some occupations could be found for Anna outside the castle. Some diplomatic trips perhaps, or making appearances at some of the local festivals."

"But Papa always said that one of us appearing and not the other would confuse the populace, divide their loyalties."

"M'lady, I am just a butler. I cannot pretend wisdom in such political matters. I can say that perhaps you ought to give your people a chance and not write them off so readily." Elsa sighed. She didn't know what to think anymore. "I beg pardon for my forwardness, but I believe I may also suggest that perhaps such a drastic action as abdicating may be better made after discussing the matter with your council."

"Kai, if anyone here has the right to be forward it's you… You are right that I should discuss it with the council first. To do otherwise would be irresponsible… I'm not very good at this. They will let me abdicate won't they? They have to, the kingdom isn't safe otherwise."

"M'lady, your council are all highly experienced and intelligent individuals. Trust them enough to come to their own conclusions."

"I feel as if you're scolding me, Kai."

"No, m'lady. It is not my place. I am simply attempting –"

"It's alright. I suppose I deserve it. I'm being very dramatic aren't I?" She tried to pass it off as a self-deprecating joke, but it came out more bitter than she intended.

"Not _very_ dramatic, m'lady."

Elsa smiled, just a little bit, beginning to feel a bit more like herself again. "Thank you, Kai. Really..." For risking his life to calm her, for talking to her, for not flinching, for staying in a lonely and empty castle all these years, for the sweets and piggyback rides when she was little… "_Thank you._"

Kai smiled warmly. "Miss Elsa, I have watched you and your sister grow since you were born. I will always be there when you need me."

A great wave of relief swamped her, nearly threatening to overcome her. She closed her eyes, trying to control her breathing to steady herself. She could do this – whatever 'this' was. She would be okay.

"M'lady…?"

"Yes, Kai?"

The little snowflakes, that before had hung so still in the air, were… disintegrating. They broke into little powdery pieces that seemed to float, growing more transparent, until they were gone. She spun about; the icicles were still there, but they had lost their terrifying sharpness. They glistened and sparkled with the moonlight coming through the windows, looking all the world like glass decorations.

"But how…?" She stared at her hands, one gloved and the other bare. They looked no different, refusing to yield their secrets. "I didn't…" She looked to Kai, who simply reflected her confusion.

There was a polite knock on the door. "Kai?"

Kai looked to Elsa. Elsa spoke, "It's alright, Gerda. You may come in."

She bustled in, closing the door behind her and taking her place at Kai's side. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but Princess Anna is quite concerned for you. Also, we have dispersed the party in the courtyard, but we weren't sure if you would want to address the guests in the ballroom."

Elsa rubbed her forehead. Of course. She would have to talk to them. The duke. What was she going to say? "Please send Princess Anna in. And I will talk to the guests as soon as we are done. If you could make sure that there is enough food and drink, and try to keep them all relatively… happy," she winced at the word, "until I can address them."

"Of course, m'lady."


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I wasn't actually planning to continue this, but this conversation managed to resolve itself into a complete scene so I figured I would write it out. I don't have real plans to make this a full story, but if I think of more I might write it._

* * *

Anna flung herself into the room so suddenly that Elsa instinctively took two steps back and was immediately grateful she had put on a new pair of gloves. Her reaction made Anna hesitate for a moment, but the words came quickly pouring out. "Elsa, why didn't you _tell_ me? Are you okay? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. It's just that Hans is really nice and I love him. And he loves me-"

Elsa listened to Anna rant as she thought about this sister she barely knew. How could Anna be so foolish to become engaged in less than a day? How could she just invite his _twelve_ brothers to live in Arrendale without even thinking about her sister? Not even a 'would you mind if…?' Just a 'of course they'll live here!' Even without deadly ice powers to worry about that was just rude and inconsiderate.

Of course, Anna had every right to be upset. She didn't want to keep Anna locked up in isolation. But she was queen, for the moment at least. If she were to remain queen how could she reconcile keeping Anna safe while still ruling the kingdom? One of them had to leave.

Given enough time, Anna finally managed to divert herself from the topic of Hans. "Is that why you shut me out all these years? Because of your powers?"

"I had to protect you, Anna."

"Did Mother and Father know?" Elsa nodded. "Did Kai know? Gerda?" Elsa nodded. "But… why? Why was I the only one who couldn't know?"

Elsa bit her lip. Could she tell? The trolls had removed Anna's memories to keep her safe, but now Anna had seen. She _knew_. But did she have her memories back? What would happen if she did? She remembers a cold and too-still Anna cradled in her arms. It is too much of a risk.

"They thought it would be safer. You were so little, Anna, you couldn't understand. And then you starting climbing roofs and riding your bike down the stairs… you had no concept of danger. They thought it was better if I just… stayed away. That there wouldn't…" she sighed with the memory, "wouldn't be any accidents."

"Oh, Elsa…"

Anna, eyes scrunched in pity, reached out.

Elsa jerked away. "No! Please… please, don't touch me." The moment hung heavy in the air, Elsa wallowing in regret and Anna stung by the rejection. "I'm _sorry._ But it's not _safe_." Anna continued to stand there, looking all the world like a kicked puppy. "Tomorrow I am going to talk to the council about abdicating."

"WHAT?"

"Anna, I can't control my powers. I've never been able, and tonight just proved that I can't manage. It is safer, for you and for all of Arrendale if I can leave and go somewhere I don't have worry about hurting anyone."

"You can't do that Elsa. You can't just leave me!"

"You're the one who said you couldn't live like this anymore! If I leave, you'll be able to keep the gates open all the time. You can have as many balls as you like, whenever you want." Elsa was pleading with Anna to understand.

"But I won't have you! You can't just leave me alone. Elsa, you're my sister. It's just you and me."

"And possibly Prince Hans of the Southern Isles," Elsa reminded her, although she really could do without having to worry about him within the whole mess of this situation. If she were to abdicate, he had the potential to become King, and they knew nothing about him.

"Oh, right." Had Anna temporarily forgotten about her so-called true love? "… but he's not my _sister_."

Elsa sighed. She couldn't think straight, everything was so tangled up. "Anna… I love you." She choked on the words, feeling their weight. "I am trying to do what's best for all of us, to keep everyone safe, to keep the kingdom prosperous… My powers mean that I have to isolate myself, it's too dangerous to do otherwise, and not half an hour ago you yelled at me across a crowded ballroom that you can't stand to live in that isolation. And you shouldn't have to. But Papa always said it would confuse and divide loyalties if you were to appear in public and be the face of the monarchy while I hid in here and made decisions, and I have to believe that he's right. Which means that I can remain queen and things can continue the way they have been – if they don't attempt to overthrow me for sorcery –" the bitter fear crept up once again, remembering the accusations of monster, "or I can step aside and let you be the queen. At least, those are the choices that I can see. Kai believes the council will be able to offer better advice and I agree we should at least see what they say."

What were the Duke and his men doing? Had Kai waylaid them? Were they out there now, stirring the public against her? She needed to go address her people before the rumors built themselves up. How could she address them though, when she couldn't see the way forwards?

Anna was quiet for an excruciatingly long time.

"How long have you had them? Your powers?"

Elsa was slightly taken aback by the jump in conversation, but quickly answered. "As long as I can remember. Father said I was born with them, but they became stronger as I grew older." She vaguely remembers the sensation of being able to command the powers, to shape the ice and snow into the forms she desired, but those sensations are buried in the fog of the past.

"How do they work?"

"I… I don't know. When I'm upset or scared or angry, ice and snow just... appear. It used to just happen for no reason at all, but the gloves usually help to prevent that."

Anna looked surprised. "I just thought you had a thing about dirt!"

"What?!" The idea is so ludicrous Elsa doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. They are strangers to each other. They know nothing about each other. Everything in the moment was surreal.

"Well what was I supposed to think?" Anna groused. "Magic ice powers would hardly be my first guess!"

There is another long pause. Elsa could tell that Anna was itching to ask another question, but was building up the courage to ask.

"So when you shut me out… every time you told me to go away… you were just trying to protect me?"

"Yes, Anna, _yes._ You, Mama, Papa, the servants… what would I do if I hurt someone? I could _kill_ someone, Anna!" She felt the tears pricking at the back of her eyes, and her hands pricking with the powers. She clutched them tightly into fists, slowed her breathing, trying to keep it together.

She almost missed Anna's whisper: "… the funeral?"

_Conceal, don't feel, conceal, don't feel, conceal, don't feel…._ She couldn't look at Anna. The sorrow was aching to be released, it took all of her effort to hold it where it was, to press it deep inside of her, to not let it out. _Conceal, don't feel, conceal don't feel, conceal, don't feel…_

She found her exhaustion, that strung-out thin feeling from just after her panic attack. _I am too tired to feel, it is too much._ _Just let me be numb, just let me be empty_. She sunk into that tiredness and the magic was overtaken by the weariness as well, retreating reluctantly like a toddler futilely protesting an inevitable nap.

Anna was still standing behind her. She had forgotten her sister was there. It had been a long time, several minutes at least, since the question. The exhaustion was a surprisingly effective muffler for her feelings and she was able to scrape together an answer without much feeling. "I was going to go, I was supposed to… I couldn't make the powers stop… I froze my whole room over and over…"

She could see that her sister was battling with herself, clearly unsatisfied with Elsa's answer but likely disturbed by watching the ritual of self-control. Elsa couldn't bring herself to care. Perhaps the exhaustion technique was too effective.

"So… what do we do now?"

"I will go back to the guests and say something that will hopefully prevent a mob from storming the castle for the moment. Tomorrow I will call a meeting of the council and see what they have to say on the matter. Beyond that…" It was not queen-like to reveal such confusion and ambivalence, but she had rather shot the queen thing all to pieces that night already, and she was too tired and stressed to care. Besides, it was her sister. The one person she ought to be able to show her real feelings around. It didn't feel like it though.

Elsa added, "You'll have to talk to the council about Prince Hans. I still refuse to give you a blessing for now but if I do abdicate… true love or no, you'll have to take more caution if he has a chance of becoming King."

Is exhaustion catching? Elsa wondered if Anna was infected as Anna just nods, strangely subdued. She wished she could hug her younger sister. She was so very sorry for all of this. She never wanted to hurt anyone, had been determined to be a good girl, to behave, to control her powers. Bitterly she thought that she is an example of how futile it is to fight a curse. Nothing would ever go right, despite the best of intentions.

"I'm sorry, Anna."

"What?" Suddenly the spark was back. "No, Elsa – I'm sorry I pushed you. I should have known better." Anna's tone was so heroically and tragically noble, like a figure in a play acknowledging their tragic flaw to the world.

Elsa couldn't help but roll her eyes just a bit at the dramatics. "How could you have known? You've been locked in this castle your whole life – at least I knew why. _Of course_ you were upset…" Her annoyance crept through: "Although you shouldn't have yelled in front of the entire ballroom. I was going to tell you."

Anna did a double take. "Wait, what?"

"That's why I wanted to talk to you _alone_." _Obviously._ "I was going to tell you. To explain why there we can't have a ball every night and why the gates can't be open and why we can't have someone's brothers come live here." It occurred to her though, that so much of that was built on keeping her secret a secret. Now that it is out, could adjustments be made? Unlikely of course, since she still posed a danger to anyone near her, but _maybe_…

Anna's eyes grew almost comically wide in surprise and disbelief.

"Oh, Elsa… I'm sorry… Wow. I was really, really stupid." Elsa watched, stupefied, as Anna descended into berating herself, complete with pacing and hand gestures. "So stupid… in front of the whole ballroom… everyone… complete nutcase…"

"Anna…." No acknowledgement. "Anna?" The hand gestures only increased in intensity. "Anna!"

"Whatwhohuh? Oh. Uh, sorry…"

Now that Elsa had Anna's attention, she was not quite sure what to say. Before she could think of something, the moment was lost as Kai rapped on the door.

"Your Majesty, Your Highness… the guests are growing restless."

"Yes… of course." She floundered for a moment, trying to overcome the exhaustion she had so willingly slipped into. She had to appear to be in control. She had to be a queen.

"Elsa?"

She had to stop doing that: getting sucked into her own thoughts and forgetting that Anna was there. Forget being inconsiderate and mean towards Anna, such carelessness and distraction could be downright dangerous.

"Yes, Anna?"

"I'm here for you, you know. Right here. Literally. But, you know, metaphorically too." Anna shifted awkwardly on the balls of her feet, not quite sure how such a statement would be received.

"Thank you, Anna."

And Anna's radiant smile just made Elsa's heart split in two with both love and fear.


End file.
